By Fred Nougat
Special to YNOT

NEWKIRK, Mich. – I’m God-fearing American, bow-hunting enthusiast, kickass rock n’ roll guitarist and all-around world champion badass who now finds himself in something of a pickle, because I can’t decide which of y’all Obama-worshiping, Left Coast Californicators to hate more.

Specifically, I haven’t worked out which group is more threatening to the freedom and liberty of us Real Americans who live in between the Sodom of California and the Gomorrah of New York: the perverse, corrupting freaks in the porn industry, or the progressive, communist trash who are trying to force said perverse freaks to wear condoms when they fuck in the presence of a film crew.

Normally, even though I eagerly stroke it to hardcore teen porn every night while wearing nothing but my coyote fur bathrobe and the leather cowboy hat Billy Gibbons lost to me in a poker game back in ’82, my righteous-wing politics require me to look down my cocaine-eroded nose at the porn industry.

Sure, watching porno makes me harder than the cold metal barrels of my prized Ithaca Model 37 12-gauge, but it doesn’t make me a hypocrite to rub one out to a porno with my left hand while penning a letter to Congress asking for the same porno to be banned with my right. If anything, it merely makes me ambidextrous, which is just more proof I’m way more awesome than you — unless you are Ronald Reagan, which you aren’t.

For one thing, porn wrecks the lives of young women, and y’all know how much I love young women. And no, I ain’t talking about those lies you hear in the liberal mainstream media about my past and the alleged sex I had with an alleged underage girl. All I can say is don’t believe everything you read in the papers — even if those papers happen to be a confession and plea bargain signed by the accused. Besides, the alleged victim later became my alleged wife, so how bad could the alleged sex have been for her, allegedly?

Anyhow, like I said, normally I’d be on the side of the politicians calling for decency, but in this case, those politicians are liberals — and not just liberals but California progressive liberals, who are to liberalism what Jeff Dahmer is to serial killers.

Making matters worse, part of what these liberals have in mind is to create a “Porn Czar” who will monitor porn flicks to make sure everybody is dutifully wrapping their cocks in rubber before getting it on. In other words, a state that is already flat broke — because the liberals who run it hate business, money, freedom, America and God — is gonna pay some uptight douchebag to sit around watching porn to audit it in search of bare cocks being put in the very places where God intended bare cocks to go.

At first, I thought the Porn Czar was also going to be in charge of making sure bare cocks don’t go where they definitely aren’t supposed to — namely, some sweaty dude’s bunghole — but then I found out so long as he’s wearing a condom, a gay dude can still stick his cock just about wherever he wants in California. What kind of sick joke is that? We’re going to have someone watch porn for “violations,” but a violation of God’s law doesn’t count?

What really messed with me, though, was the revelation the guy who will become the first California Porn Czar is a gay Hebrew. So, a Christ-killer and homosexual is going to be the lisping fox guarding a henhouse full of gay cocks? I tell ya, somewhere Billy Graham is spinning in his grave right now — unless he’s not dead yet, in which case the rapidly rotating corpse in my mind’s eye must belong to Billy Sunday.

Of course, on the opposing side of this porn-vs.-condoms debate is a bunch of other people I’d like to run over with my camouflage Bronco a few times before gutting them with my favorite Bowie knife and making them into non-organic jerky.

At the top of the list is the so-called Free Speech Coalition, a group whose very name tells me they are a bunch of communist pinkos. Real Americans don’t go around crying about “free speech.” Real Americans go around crying about having to retroactively pay a million bucks in overdue grazing fees.

Plus, this FSC joint is run by a woman, Diana Dux, and I don’t think I need to tell any thinking American how dangerous it is to put a woman in charge of anything, not when we’re currently at risk of having the country run by Hillary “Benghazi Was No Big Deal” Clinton.

Worst of all, Ms. Dux used to be associated with Planned Parenthood, an organization that, as we all know, is part of a grand conspiracy between communists, Muslims and the French to prevent the next Ronald Reagan from being born by indiscriminately killing unborn Republican children under the guise of providing free healthcare to drug smuggling illegal immigrants on welfare.

I’m sure by now you can understand my dilemma: Do I throw in behind a bunch of butt-fucking 20-somethings who have probably never bought even one of my albums, or do I ally myself with a bunch of Nanny State feminazis who haven’t shaved their armpits since they accidentally set their bras on fire while smoking weed during Santana’s set at Woodstock?

All I can say is thank God I live in Michigan, where we have the good sense to ignore the question of whether anybody is making porn in our state in the first place — along with the steady decay of our major urban centers and cruel, ongoing haplessness of our resident NFL franchise.

As a voter, being in Michigan gives me the luxury of taking more time to decide where I come down in this condom fight where, in my heart of hearts, I really just want everybody on both sides to get struck down by a bolt of righteous, Heaven-sent lightning.

But at the end of the day, fence-sitting just ain’t my style. No, I prefer to run over the fence, along with the sign that says “Federal Land: No Hunting, Fishing or Freedom-Loving.”

In light of my immense integrity and vastly superior intelligence, it would be remiss for me to cop out on the question of mandatory condom use, so instead of sitting out the debate, I’m gonna overturn the debate table — by suggesting California make me the Porn Czar.

Now, don’t get excited all you Californicators. I ain’t moving to your shithole of a state, but I will offer to watch porn all day long while keeping an eye out for stuff that shouldn’t be there, like minorities, male homosexuals and natural breasts.

As for the condom thing, the more I think on it, it’s just downright un-American to tell me where, how and to whom I can transmit my God-granted herpes, and I’m pretty sure under the doctrines of equal protection and due process, if you can’t tell Feral Fred how to fuck, you don’t get to tell other Real Americans how to do it, either.

So there you go, California. Once again I’ve solved your problem for you — and this time, I didn’t even have to shoot anybody… yet.

Fred Nougat is a Michigan resident, rock n’ roll icon, bow hunter and right wing pundit nonpareil. You can visit him online here.