SHARONVILLE, Ohio – We all love free speech, but sometimes free speech goes too far. By “too far,” I mean sometimes free speech goes to Ohio.

Citizens for Community Values (CCV), an old, established anti-porn activist group staffed by Ohioans who know there’s always good reason to worry about the content of your neighbors’ character, has a new target: A billboard located off Interstate 71 advertising Jimmy Flynt Sexy Gifts.

What about the billboard has drawn CCV’s, ire? Partial nudity? Nope. A suggestively drawn character à la Jessica Rabbit perhaps, thereby upsetting parents who are concerned the Flynts are using suggestive cartoons to draw the curiosity of kids, in order to start priming a new generation of sleaze-addicted perverts? No, again.

In fact, the billboard in question has only one image on it: the stylized crown logo used by Jimmy Flynt Sexy Gifts.

So, what is CCV’s beef, then? They object to the slogan appearing next to the logo, which reads “End Boring Sex.”

I know what you’re thinking: How did this travesty of gratuitous, thoroughly unclean, six-foot high verbiage ever happen in the first place?

“This is wrong and kids are seeing this,” said justifiably outraged CCV President Phil Burress. “Even if you don’t want for them to see it, you don’t have a choice.”

Knowing how much kids these days love to gather in droves alongside the nation’s interstates to read inappropriate signage, it’s easy to understand Burress’ concern. Couple this interstate sign-reading trend (which I assume you filthy Internet People call “highwaying” or some such illiterate nonsense) with everything we know about kids snorting bath salts, waving around glow sticks and sexting, and clearly it’s time to take immediate action.

Unfortunately, thanks to some foul legislative legacy measure called the “First Amendment,” CCV probably can’t get a judge to order the billboard removed, even if the judge in question isn’t a smut-minded, ACLU-endorsed liberal activist who wears women’s undergarments beneath his black robes.

“It’s very difficult to see that as obscene,” Jeffery Blevins, an associate professor at the University of Cincinnati said of the“End Boring Sex” text.

Sure, it’s “difficult” – if you’re some egghead law professor. A guy like Burress, on the other hand.. He gets it. Burress fully understands the harrowing threat words represent, especially nouns.

Don’t get me wrong: Verbs can be scary, too, but when it comes to the worst stuff in the world, most of it is nouns. Hey, don’t take my word for it; just look at the evidence.

Terrorism, poverty, death, Barrack Obama, taxes, the New England Patriots… No matter how you slice it, each of these items is a noun. Whether proper or common, these things are the true root of evil – which is itself a noun.

You might find this a mere coincidence, but guys like Burress know better. He knows the only good nouns are the ones found in the Bible – and you’d better believe none of those nouns is never going to appear on a billboard advertising a porn store owned by a Flynt.

Look, if you want a noun you can trust and believe in, choose “Jesus.” Whatever else you might think about Jesus, at least he’s never going to force your kids to think about boring sex.

At any rate, just because the Court of Man says it’s A-OK to have words like “sex” right out in the open where our kids can read them (if our kids could read, I mean), this doesn’t mean a resourceful guy like Burress has run out of options. Clever like a socially conservative fox, Burress has started public pressure against the owner of the billboard.

“Billboard companies know they are being watched and we have brought pressure on them,” Burress said.

Of course, this particular billboard isn’t owned by a company. It’s owned by an individual, one Todd Helton by name. Now he knows CCV doesn’t approve, Helton is immediately taking down Flynt’s ad and seeking a new advertiser, right? Not exactly, but you sure can tell he’s scared of the righteous Christian fury which is CCV, make no mistake.

“I’m not trying to make a statement and I’m not trying to be a renegade, but businesses have a right to advertise if they want to,” said Helton, adding he won’t be taking down the ad.

OK, fine. You want to play the tough guy, Mr. Helton? Go right ahead – but when you show up at the pearly gates seeking your entry to the Kingdom of Heaven, don’t be too surprised if they show you a sign of their own: “Do Not Enter, Ye Heathen, Porn-Apologist Scum!”

Sounds harsh, right? Well, maybe you should have thought of that back when we asked you to take down your sex billboard.

Judgment Day is coming, Mr. Helton, for you and all the other sinful Speakers of Nouns. When it does, don’t say Phil didn’t warn you.