FRANKLIN, Tenn. — You read that right: Fast-food giant CKE Restaurants Holdings, the parent company of chains like Carl’s Jr and Hardee’s, has decided to utilize the future of premium social networking sites to deliver on a next-level marketing scheme propping up the company’s delicious looking, and oddly kinky, fried chicken sandwich line. 

After scrolling through OnlyFans for daily “research,” this journalist was elated to discover that the fast-food chain has a free account dedicated to its fried chicken offerings. Frankly, it’s the greatest page on OnlyFans at the moment. The page features free videos of sensual food porn and the greatest handling of buns I’ve ever seen. So, if you are into the sensual healing power of fried chicken and freshly baked buns, take a look.  

Surprised followers on the Instagram post heralded the move as “edgy” or even a depiction of the brand’s attempt to be an “outlaw” when compared to other brands. The Orange County Register, while covering the on-going fast food industry war of the fried chicken sandwich, asked a marketing expert, Deb Gabor, whether Carl’s Jr’s approach was a strong play.

“They do everything in a way that runs counter to the rest of the category,” said Gabor to the Register. “By going to OnlyFans, it’s very much what I would expect from Carl’s Jr.” The chain didn’t disappoint, either. After I discovered their free-to-follow page on OnlyFans and subscribed, the page master forwarded me a direct message describing what is exactly in store for new fans moving forward.

“Welcome to the hottest hand-breading content on the internet. SILKY buttermilk baths, SOFT buns, TASTY Hand-Breaded Chicken Sandwiches. Hot and ready for you… all day and all night,” the mysterious chicken sandwich dominatrix messaged me. “So what are you waiting for? Let’s explore your deepest hand-breading fantasies, together.” 

You can discover this hidden internet gem for yourself at the OnlyFans handle @hothandbreaded.  (Yeah, even the user handle is perfect.)

OnlyFans has emerged as a multimillion dollar enterprise built on adult content and a slew of other forms of creative works placed behind the pay wall functions of a premium social networking site. Yeah, this was clearly a marketing scheme placed at the center of a joke where OnlyFans was the punch line. But this is too perfect to dismiss. Instead of ‘WTF news’ stories, the fact that Carl’s Jr created the most exciting food porn page in ages is an indicator that OnlyFans and platforms like it are the future for premium content across all sorts — vanilla and adult-oriented ones included.

Now, pardon me; I’m off to buy a chicken and waffle sandwich drenched in syrup from the Carl’s Jr down the street from my office. This is by no means is this a sponsored post, btw. It’s just a post about a glorious and strong reflection of the state of our society and the nation as a whole. God bless America!