LOS ANGELES – In the ongoing hubbub, rigmarole and argle-bargle concerning the safety standards issued by California’s Division of Occupational Safety and Health for the members of the state’s adult entertainment industry to follow, much of the focus has been on things like how much and what variety of protective garments performers might have to wear, how the regulations might be enforced and whether porn studios should be sure to keep Michael Weinstein’s favorite type of tea on set, just in case he should pop by for a visit.

What caught my discerning and slightly bloodshot eye in the new regulations, however, is what appears to be nothing less than an out-of-control state agency’s attempt to fundamentally alter the nature and character of the English language, in ways that are problematic, confusing and even potentially dangerous.

I’m not talking about laughably incomplete definitions like the one provided for the word “barrier” (“a condom or other physical block that prevents the passage of blood and OPIM-STI to another person”), or the troubling implications of limiting the definition of “blood” to human blood. (Does this omission mean it’s OK to douse performers with pig’s blood as an alternative form of “money shot?”) I’m referring to a handful of definitions in the standards that are clearly, inarguably and egregiously wrong.

Let’s look at the state’s definition of “genitals,” for example. According to the bright lights at Cal/OSHA, this word means: “the penis, vulva, vagina, urethra and anus, and adjacent structures and mucous membranes.” [Emphasis added.]

Meanwhile, according to the dictionary, every fucking anatomy textbook ever written, several of my more educated ex-girlfriends and basic, fundamental reality, genitals refers strictly to sex organs.

In other words, genitals are a dude’s cock and balls, and a chick’s labia, clitoris and vagina. In pre-operative transgender individuals, the parts may be reversed, accordingly.

I don’t think Cal/OSHA realizes the can of worms they’ve popped the top on by including the anus in the definition of “genitals.” Among other things, guys are going to use this to try to talk their reluctant female partners into anal sex: “Seriously baby. If the anus weren’t a sex organ, why would a trusted government agency like Cal/OSHA call it part of the genitals?” The situation will be vice versa with respect to women who are curious about but inexperienced with “pegging,” likely leading to a dramatic increase in embarrassing visits to California’s urgent care facilities.

Next, according to the regulations, the term “contaminated laundry” means “laundry which has been soiled with blood or OPIM-STI or which may contain sharps.”

You have got to be kidding me. Anybody who lived through the early 1980s knows “Contaminated Laundry” was a hit song by former Eagles drummer and Henry David Thoreau enthusiast Max Headroom. Or maybe his name was Donald Trumpley, I forget. What I do know, for sure, is the guitar solo isn’t half-bad, despite having been played by the guy from Toto, a band that definitely sucked “genitals.”

Next up, the agency’s bizarre definition of “engineering controls.” According to the regulations, this term means “controls (e.g., sharps disposal containers, barrier protection such as condoms, use of simulated ejaculate) that isolate or remove exposure hazards to the bloodborne pathogens and/or sexually transmitted infectious pathogens or OPIM-STI from the workplace.”

Setting aside the alarmingly casual reference to “simulated ejaculate” — which sounds like something from a nightmarish, dystopian Phillip K. Dick short story — this definition has nothing to do with any engineering controls I’ve ever heard of or seen.

Granted, I’m no Bill Nye, but I’m still pretty sure “engineering controls” are the things Captain Kirk was always calling about when he’d use the ship’s intercom system to ring up the drunken Scottish dude for an explanation as to why the Enterprise wasn’t able to move at any given moment. The answer, as I recall, always had something to with “lysergic acid diethylamide crystals,” but somehow was always fixable through careful application of futuristic WD-40 and a couple random rocks gathered from a nearby planet during a mission that resulted in the death of a minor character.

Moving on… According to the regulations, “gonorrhea” refers to “the disease caused by the bacterium Neisseria gonorrhoeae.” Actually, this is probably true — it’s just that far more importantly, gonorrhea is often the answer to the age-old question: “Why does it hurt when I pee?”

To be fair, there is one definition in the regulations I do agree with: The definition of “sexual activity,” which according to the regs means “actual contact of an employee’s genitals, eyes, or mouth with the genitals or OPIM-STI of another person.”

I firmly believe the above definition of “sexual activity” should be adopted by agencies all across the country — or at the very least, adopted by the federal court handling the sexual harassment lawsuit currently pending against me, because I definitely never said anything to my former secretary about wanting her to make contact with my “OPIM-STI,” whatever the fuck that is.

I hope this examination of Cal/OSHA’s questionable grasp of the English language has been obstructive, congenital and surveilling. Next time, we’ll look at whether Sesame Street’s so-called “Words of the Day” are really worthy of the title — or whether it’s a moot point because we all know the show should be banned for leading kids to believe it’s a good idea to talk to strange little men who live in garbage cans.