MINERAL POINT, Wisc. – As a general principle, I’d say I’m in favor of adult businesses being able to open shop anywhere they choose to locate – or I like to think I would say that, if I had any principles, general or otherwise.

On the other hand, I’m also an advocate of businesses opening in places that make sense from a “needs of the local market” perspective, like placing gun shops near schools and post offices.

That’s why I wonder about the wisdom of introducing an adult entertainment component into a bowling alley, when that bowling alley happens to be in Mineral Point, Wisconsin.

“Mineral Point is no place for something like that,” said a woman named Terry Gevelinger, who lives right down the road from Midway Lanes, the bowling alley in question. “We’re a small community and we would like to keep it that way. We’re historical. And that has nothing to do with the historics of Mineral Point.”

Gevelinger has a point – albeit a point which would be somewhat stronger if “historics” were an actual word. Granted, I know nothing whatsoever about Mineral Point, but I’m willing to bet my neighbor’s car there’s not much about its history which involves adult entertainment.

“Adult entertainment is not something for this area,” Gevelinger said. “My son lives right across from there and I do not want my grandchildren exposed to that kind of stuff.”

It’s worth noting here that since Midway Lanes owner Chris Statter declined to comment on his plans for Midway Lane, and the B5 zoning category he’s seeking for Midway “includes locations such as casinos and adult entertainment venues,” we can’t be sure exactly what Statter has in mind for the future of Midway Lanes.

Accordingly, it’s possible the “stuff” to which Gevelinger’s grandchildren would be exposed would not be awful, sinful porn, but decent, wholesome gambling — such a family-friendly enterprise that the current President of the United States once ran two casinos himself! (Sure, the direction he ran them was straight into bankruptcy, but that’s a whole other story.)

With a recent Supreme Court ruling paving the way for more states to legalize sports betting, it’s possible Statter plans to make Midway into a combination bowling alley/sportsbook bar – or maybe even a topless bowling alley/sportsbook bar. Hell, that’s an idea with enough appeal, I’d even consider travelling to Wisconsin just to see the place in full swing.

Sadly, my hunch is Statter’s dream for Midway Lanes, whatever it may be, is doomed by the disapproval of local NIMBYs like Gevelinger. If there’s one thing you can rely on, it’s NIMBYs to show up City Council meetings, or County Supervisor meetings, or School Board meetings, or any other sort of meeting where they can express their opinion that the desires and proclivities of people who aren’t them are irrelevant, offensive – and most likely contrary to the will of an angry, thoroughly bearded deity, to boot.

In any event, Statter and the Mineral Point planning commission will get to gauge the resolve and vociferousness of the local NIMBY population soon enough: A public hearing on Midway Lanes’ rezoning proposal is scheduled for December 12.

Good luck, Mr. Statter – and if you do eventually open a topless bowling alley/sportsbook, please do reach out and let me know when your Grand Opening is imminent. I’ll be there – even if it means rooting for the Green Bay Fucking Packers for an evening, just to keep the peace.

Bowling alley image © Gary Scott