SHAWNEE, Okla. – A new study published in the January edition of the Archives of Wildly Speculative Thought has found that reading the Bible, and in particular the Epistles of Paul, is driving American men to “voluminous aggregate porn consumption” and “chronic, penis-chafing masturbation.”

Attempting to divine the reason behind shockingly high porn consumption rates self-reported by Christian men in surveys conducted by other organizations, researchers from the Center for Underfunded Studies at the University of Southern Oklahoma State A&M&T studied and tracked the behavior of 489 Christian men ages 19-43 who self-identify as fundamentalist Christians.

To complete the study—entitled “Epistles and E-Porno: A Fundamental Connection?”—the research team walking their subjects through a series of questionnaires, experiments and liturgical discussions to probe the connection between fear of God and lust for flesh. The outcome surprised and intrigued the researchers, to say the least.

“The results of our experiments are as unexpected and shocking as they are undeniable and definitive,” said Dr. Ina Ona Nism, the team’s lead researcher. “This includes compelling evidence showing as men read specific sections of the Bible they become intensely aroused, and thereafter many seek the immediate sexual gratification viewing pornography provides.”

More surprising still, some Biblical passages even appeared to have the effect of “reversing the polarity of the subject’s sexual orientation,” as Dr. Nism put it.

“We found men who had hitherto only looked at straight porn would oddly gravitate toward gay porn search terms like ‘gay porn vids’ or ‘nude bear pics’ or ‘leather + bondage + gay + cowboy boots + cum + staircase’ after reading the first couple lines of 1 Corinthians 7, for example,” Dr. Nism said.

One of the subjects, identified only as “Chris,” said he wasn’t even conscious of the change in the nature of his carnal, worldly desires after reading the epistle, so enraptured was he by the potency of God’s words.

“I guess when you read something like ‘It is good for a man not to touch a woman’ coming from a recognized and revered authority like Paul, it just sort of overcomes you,” Chris said. “Obviously, from there my sinful, imperfect, human weakness took over and I thought if not touching a woman is good, then touching a man must be good, because you have to touch somebody, right?”

Another passage from 1 Corinthians, 6:17, had an even more dramatic effect on the study’s subjects—one that nearly derailed the entire study, Dr. Nism reported.

“What we found was as soon as the subjects read the words ‘Flee fornication’ while porn was displayed on the monitor, about 40 percent would simply bolt from the exam room in sheer panic,” Dr. Nism said. “Granted, in hindsight this outcome might simply be one of the side effects of conducting research on men who self-identify as fundamentalist Christians, and not indicative of some hidden, mystic power of the text itself.”

It remains to be seen what impact the study has on the vocally anti-porn segment of the Christian community, many of whom have opined in the past that Bible study and contemplation of God are salves against the scourge of porn addiction. For example, Jay Dennis, co-sponsor of the Join 1 Million Men anti-porn movement, recently advised parents to “begin educating their children, especially their sons, on why pornography is not God’s plan and how it damages and degrades real relationships.

“Education, information, accountability and biblical truth communicated by a loving parent can help turn the tide,” Dennis further asserted.

Given the results of Dr. Nism’s research, will community leaders like Dennis find themselves retooling their prescription for beating porn addiction? Only time will tell, but Nism said while the study’s results might be hard for the righteous to fathom, there’s a clear “silver lining” for Christians concerned about the connection between the holy book and the decidedly unholy porn industry.

“Theologians have for centuries been talking about the power of the Word of God,” Nism noted. “Now, there’s scientific evidence to back up their claims, so they should definitely greet this research as ‘Good News,’ so to speak.”