By Esteban Harsch
Special to YNOT

LOS ANGELES – For a lot of people, including the sort of plebeians and clods who run lesser adult entertainment studios, it would probably be considered quite an honor to be invited to give a keynote address at a major adult industry trade show.

But I’m not most people.

Not only am I not most regular people, but I’m also not most porno people. I’m properly viewed not only as a visionary genius of commercial erotica, but as an unparalleled pioneer in the field of offering jobs to any vaguely attractive person who garners headlines for the wrong reasons.

Over the years, I’ve been a true queen-maker, launching the show-business careers of young women who would otherwise have passed through life unknown — or, at best, appeared as a footnote on a wiki page describing their father’s role in winning an acquittal of an ex-football player who couldn’t have been more obviously guilty if he’d stabbed his ex-wife to death on national television.

This is why when I grant the immense favor of gracing events like the XJIZZ 420° conference or the Adult Video Narcissism Awards with my undeniably event-enhancing presence, they know better than to refer to me as a mere “keynote,” or “honored guest.” Instead, they acknowledge my manifest personal and professional greatness with far more appropriate terminology, like “Legend” or “Visionary” or “Icon” or “El Douche” (the last of which, my trusted publicity girl tells me, is the French equivalent of “Il Duce”).

While XJIZZ obviously came up a little short in the press release announcing my raptly awaited speech, employing relatively lukewarm, pedestrian adjectives like “pioneering,” “extraordinary” and “fearless,” I’m inclined to cut them some slack. They aren’t me, after all, so it’s unrealistic to expect total perfection in concept, design and execution of their promotional campaign for the event.

Of course, with an enormous, unforgettable, can’t-miss main draw like me headlining the conference, XJIZZ doesn’t need to do a great job promoting the event. They need only make sure the building doesn’t fall around me while I’m showering the audience with pearls of entrepreneurial wisdom. If the building does fall (no doubt due to frequent and thunderous applause in response to my oratorical brilliance), don’t worry about my personal safety: The auditorium simply would never dare fall on me.

At any rate, I’m very much looking forward to explaining all the challenges that face our industry these days, none of which affect me or GARISH directly, obviously. I’m just that good, and you know it. However, the challenges will absolutely ruin a lot of the far less significant people who have gathered at the feet of GARISH in hopes of scraping together a living from whatever few crumbs of adult entertainment market share I’ve decided I don’t need.

If they haven’t been left too stunned by my sheer brilliance, I expect a lot of questions from the audience, primarily seeking information about how they can be more like me. Naturally, they can never really be like me, because to achieve the sort of mindboggling exceptionalism I embody, one must be unique to his generation — much like Bob Dylan, except better, because Dylan obviously can’t hold a candle to me as a harmonica player, let alone as a pornographer.

If you are among those lucky enough to be in attendance when I take the podium in January, please refrain from screaming, crying, flashing your tits, and rushing the stage to ask for an autograph or attempt to tear off my shirt to get a fleeting glimpse of my (admittedly spectacular) abs.

While I’d love to take the time to interact with a few of the better looking among you, if I let even one person bask too long in my invigorating glow, everybody will want to do so. Before you can say “Big Papi,” it will be February and I’ll have missed at least two opportunities to get TMZ to run a story about me offering a job to one famous fuckup or another.

The bottom line here is this: If you can literally afford to travel to L.A. to hear me speak in January, then you figuratively can’t afford not to do so.

I have never before made myself available for sponges like you to try to absorb my genius, and I might never do it again. In other words, this could be your one and only opportunity to suck up what you can of my epic, iconic, inspirational, legendary and visionary droppings.

I’ll be unloading some serious insight and tremendous know-how — so come to L.A. in January, assume the position and prepare yourself to take one enormous load.

Esteban Harsch is founder and CEO of GARISH Entertainment, one of the adult industry’s finest production studios and frequent would-be employer of disgraced quasi-celebrities.