PHOENIX – In its ongoing quest to topple Florida from the top of the Most Embarrassing State Legislature rankings, on Monday the Arizona Senate approved House Concurrent Resolution 2009, “denouncing pornography as a public health crisis.”

Like similar bills passed in other states where legislators clearly have way too much free time on their hands, the text of the resolution is a series of statements which start with “whereas” and end with the sort of dense, bullshit-laden prose for which elected officials everywhere are famous.

According to what the Arizona legislature cut and paste from a copy of a resolution passed in Utah several years ago, porn “is a crisis leading to a broad spectrum of individual and public health impacts” and “perpetuates a sexually toxic environment that damages all areas of our society” and “features way too much of tattooed porn stars spitting all over each other these days, which totally deflates our collective boner.”

Evidently, porn is also “directly harming our nation’s youth by contributing to the hyper-sexualization of teens and even children” and “has an adverse effect on the family as it is correlated with decreased desire in young men to marry, dissatisfaction in marriage and infidelity” and “isn’t high-quality enough on my favorite free sites anymore because the best stuff keeps being taken down by some company called ‘Takedown Piracy.’”

In even worse porn-is-really-really-really-bad news, the legislature also says “the societal damage of pornography is beyond the capability of the individual to address alone” and “to counteract these detrimental effects, this state and the nation must systemically prevent exposure and addiction to pornography, educate individuals and families about its harms and develop pornography recovery programs” but “our state is broke as hell, so instead of passing legislation which informs how we will go about educating individuals and families about porn’s harms, or allocating funds to establish the aforementioned recovery programs, we’re just going to pass this meaningless, nonbinding resolution, pose for a group photo, put out a press release about how important this meaningless, nonbinding resolution is and get back to more important things like passing ‘birther bills.’”

The Arizona Legislature couldn’t be reached for comment for this post, because the reporter who authored it was laughing too hard at them to use the phone, type an email, or ask Alexa to place a call on his behalf.

HCR 2009 will now go to the Arizona Secretary of State to be officially certified and viciously mocked by members of Katie Hobbs’ staff.