CANBERRA, Australia – As you’ve probably heard, the Australian government is considering implementing an online age-verification requirement for people who visit porn sites, just like the one which has been established in the United Kingdom.

Actually, let’s add some air-quotes for accuracy’s sake and say the age-verification requirement has been ‘established’ in the UK, because the last time I checked, the roll-out of the UK’s system has been delayed again, at least six months, dating from the last time it was supposed to take effect, which was back in July.

Be that as it may, the issue has been raised in Australia by Senator Anne Ruston, the Minister for Families and Social Services, and Paul Fletcher, the Minister for Communications, Cyber Safety, and the Arts. The pair have referred the matter to the House of Representatives Standing Committee on Social Policy and Legal Affairs, where apparently one of the questions they want the Committee to consider is why gamblers are held to a higher standard than porn viewers – or something like that.

“While customers must verify their age within 14 days to continue using an online wagering account, an age verification process is not required at all for customers to access online pornography,” noted Committee chair Andrew Wallace (who may or may not have a dog named Gromit.) “This is concerning, as research shows that accessing pornography negatively influences young peoples’ attitudes to sex, sexuality and relationships.”

Oh, great. Why do I feel like a nonbinding resolution declaring pornography a “public health crisis” in Australia is on the horizon?

Don’t worry though; in its statement about age verification and “keeping minors safe online,” the Committee made sure to let everyone know that while they feel porn clearly is bad, they also recognize that the filthy, depraved, child-endangering Australian perverts who look at it have a legal right to do so.

“The Committee acknowledges that accessing online wagering from operators licensed in Australia and online pornography from appropriately classified websites is a legal activity for people aged over 18,” the Committee said in its release. “The focus of this inquiry is not the legitimate use of online wagering and online pornography.”

So, what is the focus of this inquiry, you ask?

“The Committee will examine the effectiveness of the age verification measures now in place for online wagering in Australia, and the possibility of introducing a similar process to verify the age of users of online pornography.”

Seeing as how Australia seems to be intent on following the UK’s lead where cyber-policy is concerned (for example, Australia’s anti-encryption law closely resembles one passed by the UK in 2016), I have to ask: Will Australia set multiple launch dates for their age-verification requirement, along with multiple corresponding delays of that launch?

Maybe, in the course of asking themselves how well age-verification is working in an online wagering context, the Committee should also pick up the phone, call their colleagues in the UK and ask them what they’re wearing how well things are going with Britain’s (thus far, theoretical) online age-verification regime.

My guess is for that call to happen, it would need to be the UK calling Australia and not the other way around, though. But that’s OK, because the Australians are eager to receive feedback on this important issue.

“The Committee welcomes submissions from all people and organisations with insights or perspectives on how online age verification can be made as effective as possible, to prevent children accessing wagering and pornography sites,” the Committee said in its statement.

I suppose having me call and scream “Just forget about age-verification and toss another shrimp on the barbie, you Ozzie motherfuckers!” is probably not what they have in mind, right?

Australia map stock image by Catarina Sousa from Pexels