WADENA, Minn. – Last week, I got all excited by the promise I would learn how to kill lust, only to be viciously let down when the “instructions” for doing so turning out to be one of those “tune in next time…” affairs.

This approach to hooking your audience is the cheapest of cheap author tricks — something I’d expect from a crappy televised courtroom drama written by some smug Hollywood liberal, not an earnest young Christian trying to help his readers navigate the pitfalls of the porn-infested modern world.

Still, against my better judgment, I dutifully returned to Nathan Hillman’s column this morning, hoping for further guidance to shape my lust-killing mission.

If not a step-by-step plan for stalking and eliminating my licentious quarry, I was hoping to pick up some tips concerning the most effective anti-lust weapons, or at the very least a helpful list of lust’s hangouts and “last knowns,” even if it was just the address of a local porn shop or two.

What did I get instead? More scripture, a little wishy-washy nonsense of the sort I’d expect from a California-based self-help guru and the suggestion of smashing my smartphone.

As you might expect from someone offering to train you to murder one of the seven deadly sins, Hillman advised the reader that to get free, one must “take it seriously.”

No shit, Sherlock. I’m supposed to take killing lust seriously?

I suppose in preparation for more mundane killings — like those of spouses, coworkers or random strangers — most prospective killers are absolutely laughing it up, especially when they’re down at Home Depot stocking up on rope, duct tape and bleach.

“Unless you really come to believe that porn destroys, you won’t have the will to stop it,” Hillman wrote. “Go to FightTheNewDrug.org for the science behind the hurt.”

Seriously, dude? Now I have to take a fucking science class before I kill lust? Let me guess; next you’re going to tell me just learning how to properly clean up the aftermath of killing lust comes with a two-semester chemistry prerequisite.

Next, Hillman tells us to kill lust, or break free from porn, or cast off the influence of Cosmopolitan, or whatever it is we’re trying to do at this point, we must be prepared to “get radical.” Initially, I assumed this meant doing a sick heel-flip right off lust’s dead, rotting skull, but it turns out to having nothing whatsoever to do with skateboarding.

“Figure out where your on-ramp to porn is (smart phone, tablet, PC, certain places or people), and completely cut those out of your life,” Hillman advises.

Oh sure, the boss is going to love that shit. “Sorry sir, but I surfed porn on this company-supplied laptop once, so now it must be banished. Please send me all memos by carrier pigeon from here forward…”

Hillman’s advice gets even better, though – or perhaps I should say it gets more ‘radical.’

“Accountability software from X3watch or Covenant Eyes can help you block porn on your device,” Hillman notes. “But the tech savvy can even find ways around those, and have finally had to severely limit or chuck their devices. Yes, this is hard, but freedom isn’t free, right?! I have a friend who smashed his smartphone with a hammer for the sake of freedom.”

Dude, your friend isn’t “free” after smashing his smartphone. He’s just harder for everyone else to get in touch with.

At this point, I’m starting to suspect I’m not going to hear one more word from Hillman about killing lust, or murdering anything other than mobile devices, for that matter.

This just isn’t how training people to kill works, Nate. Among other things, you haven’t made me put on a backpack and march miles through the driving rain, called me a “worthless piece of shit,” or made me eat a donut while the rest of the platoon is forced to do impromptu calisthenics.

After giving us the oh-so-revealing tip to “find help,” Hillman finally gets around to a bit of wisdom which sounds promising, only to end up taking it in a completely different direction than I’d anticipated.

“Seek pleasure,” Hillman writes.

Whoa, now we truly are getting radical. I’m about to read advice on seeking pleasure from someone who is clearly a quite serious Christian. While I don’t doubt Hillman knows all the best public restroom hot spots, I still didn’t imagine he would be sharing such information in a cyber-sermon on killing lust – unless he’s hoping his readers are going to drown lust with their semen, or something.

“If you’re viewing porn, you’re not seeking the real pleasures that you were meant for, you’re chasing after shadows of the real thing,” Hillman observes. “Humans were made for pleasure, but often look for it in all the wrong places.”

Is this a veiled reference to anal? Why is it every time he seems to be getting close to writing something useful, Hillman gets all cryptic? Nate, if the accepted method for killing lust is simply having normal sex with a woman just say so, you Turin-shroud-and-dagger motherfucker!

“Realize that there is more and lasting pleasure in loving God and the people in your life than there is in lust,” Hillman continues, dashing all my hopes for clarity. “We all can focus on good things, good people, and a great God.”

I’m not even going to bother trying to interpret the quote from “Galatians” (I’m pretty sure he meant Galactus) Hillman closes with, other than to say it comes as no surprise it, just like the rest of the article, has nothing to do with crushing lust’s windpipe, blowing lust’s brains out, bleeding lust to death with a quick slicing of its jugular, or otherwise snuffing out lust.

Just as I thought, this Hillman guy is all talk… Or he would be, anyway, if he hadn’t smashed his phone for freedom.