HOUSTON – As a huge fan of performer Amy Lindsay’s work in such softcore erotic classics as Animal Lust, Carnal Wishes and Weirdly Sculpted Eyebrow Studs Do Dallas, I must admit to being greatly disappointed by her latest work, an erotic short called “Conservatives Anonymous.”

Lindsay never gets so much has half-naked in the video, but she does comes off as a totally sour bitch despite having only one line and very little face time.

Come to think of it, nobody gets naked in this 30-second travesty of alternative porn gone completely wrong — which is only the beginning of the video’s many issues.

The movie begins with a man who is apparently some kind of host, or perhaps a focus group leader, asking the rest of those assembled if they’ve “struggled with being lied to,” which is a very strange question, considering how easy it is to be lied to. How could anyone struggle with the act of passively listening while another person flaps their dishonest lips? Sure, silently absorbing lies might not be as satisfying as punching the liar in the throat to preempt having to hear the rest of their bullshit, but it’s certainly easier to do.

Making matters worse, the only person to respond to the strange question says he voted for someone who was a “tea party hero on the campaign trail,” a grouping of words I acknowledge as being part of the English language, but which make even less sense than Foreigner’s 1979 musings about some manner of “juke box hero” who apparently possessed eye sockets large enough to fit celestial bodies within them.

At any rate, the closest this movie ever comes to depicting sex, softcore or otherwise, is when the same whining bald man notes that the tea party guy he voted for wound up going to “DC” to “play patty cake” with somebody named “Chuck Schumer.”

I’m honestly not all that familiar with the slang used by the BLT community, but I assume “going to DC” is some kind of euphemism for being a bottom, “playing patty cake” refers to giving someone a handjob, and “Chuck Schumer” is a gay porn star.

Once baldy is finished bitching about his disappointment with the tea party hero, Lindsay has her big (and only) moment.

“Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time,” she says, while doing that irritating head shake some people do when they want you to know they’re being as condescending as they can be without the aid of a sock puppet.

What happens next gave me hope for at least some kind of porn action coming to life in this remarkably un-sexy video: A man wearing a T-shirt that reads “Marco Rubio” (I assume this is Spanish for “rubber marks”) enters the room to join the seven people already sitting there.

“Do you guys have room for one more?” the man asks, looking hopefully at the assembled group.

At this point, I figured the music was about to kick in, and Lindsay or one of the other women was about to stand up and say something like “There’s always room for one more in me, big boy,” or “Why don’t you take off that T-shirt and slip into something more comfortable, like my pants,” or “You aren’t about to play patty cake with the baldy here, are you?”

But no — all the group does is invite the new guy to join them, offering him “Frank’s chair,” which may or may not be a veiled reference to some kind of bondage furniture.

The video then closes with former Canadian and alleged senator Ted Cruz looking inappropriately solemn as he assures the camera he “approves this message” without really explaining what message he’s talking about.

Cruz can’t be speaking about any sort of message I was supposed to absorb from this vaguely political and entirely sexless softcore porn video, because the whole thing is about as clear as the mud slung around during every election season.

From the name “Conservatives Anonymous,” I assumed these people are supposed to be recovering conservatives, meaning they’re trying to quit being such, right? That’s how it works with Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous and Gym Short Erections Anonymous, anyway.

Or maybe they’re supposed to be more like that other ‘Anonymous,’ the one composed entirely of self-important geeks wearing Guy Fawkes masks over their pimpled visages. If so, the lack of visible computers or mobile devices in the video suggests the director is a “hack” of completely different form.

I’m starting to wonder if this video is just a poorly edited trailer of some kind, an attempt to make something “go viral” without understanding that in order for something to go viral, people have to give a shit about it in some way.

Whatever the case, in addition to being Amy Lindsay’s weakest and least arousing work since Scar Trek: The Cesarean Generation, this video is the worst jumble of sexless, quasi-political nonsense I’ve seen since Wank the Dog.

All told, I give “Conservatives Anonymous” a rating of one thumb up my ass — because that was the only way I was going to derive any pleasure from watching the fucking thing.

Next week, we review the senior porn political sensation that’s sweeping the nation: “Feeling the Bern: Antibiotics Time.”

Image: screen capture from “Conservatives Anonymous,” the cancelled Ted Cruz presidential campaign ad