STAMFORD, Conn. – In the wake of the naming mishap which led to the WWE accidentally promoting BangBros’ “HazeHer” video series, we have all been reminded of something very important: The WWE provides nothing but clean, upstanding, family entertainment.
As Complex.com put it: “During Monday Night Raw, the team of Paige, Becky and Charlotte was given the name Submission Sorority, which a quick Google search will show you is a specific kind of pornography that the family-friendly entertainment company would probably prefer not to be associated with.”
Even though the wholesome nature of the WWE’s brand of simulated violence is manifest and obvious, given the criticism the organization is now facing over the unanticipated side effects of its short-lived Submission Sorority brand, I think it only fair to delve into the evidence of the organization’s long history of decency, decorum and adherence to traditional American values.
As one can immediately tell simply by executing a Google image search for the phrase WWE divas, clearly the focus has nothing to do with their sexuality or physical attractiveness, and nobody could possibly opine any promotional picture of, let’s say, several WWE divas posing together, looks anything at all like a promotional picture with several female porn stars posing together.
Plus, as any good parent can tell you, while exposing a child to nudity or depictions of sex acts will immediately and incontrovertibly transform said child into a drooling, psychopathic serial rapist/murderer, kids never imitate what they see in wrestling matches – so even if WWE were sneaking a bit of corrosive titillation into their decidedly family-friendly fake sport (which clearly it never, ever has done), we know this would never become an issue for the Divas themselves, because the WWE simply attracts a higher class of fan than less honorable forms of entertainment – like porn, professional football or symphonic orchestral music.
Another distinct difference between the disgusting, revolting, repulsive porn industry and the uplifting, empowering and enlightened WWE comes in the areas of racism, sexism and xenophobia. While porn encourages fetishism and promotes ugly stereotypes of every non-white, non-male organic life form in the known universe, the WWE is steadfast in its support of tolerance, equality and forward-thinking on race and gender issues through its very sensitively rendered and delicately nuanced simulated beat-downs of ‘gangsta’ black dudes and chicks faking Russian accents.
If there’s a single incident which most clearly demonstrates the WWE, its executives and its promotional marketing are absolutely NOT racist in any way, it’s the story of when the WWE brass wanted to give Mark Henry the nickname “Silverback.”
Even though it would be deeply, fundamentally, egregiously unfair to suggest the WWE wanted Henry to adopt a nickname associated with a large variety of gorilla simply because he’s a large black man, Henry proactively played the race card anyway, and childishly refused to take the nickname!
Instead of immediately firing Henry for his clear and irrational insubordination, the WWE relented to his petulance and permitted him to work under a name with no simian undertones. As they say in the ads for a certain insurance company: “Now that’s progressive!”
It’s also impossible to talk about how family-friendly the WWE is without speaking to the impressively spotless resume of its head honcho, Vince McMahon.
Unless you count being indicted for illegal distribution of steroids, faking his own death as a publicity stunt, sexual harassment alleged by former employees and being fundamentally dismissive of the fan base which supports his “sport,” McMahon has been the Immanuel Kant of professional sports – by which I mean he believes in the “Transcendental Screama,” which is a lot like Kant’s doctrine of transcendental schema, except instead of a being a psychological function wherein the transcending imagination connects bedrock ethical concepts to an inherent, intuitive, human moral sense, it’s a sleeper hold which will render your opponent into imaginary unconsciousness within seconds.
So, six months from now when the WWE unveils its new touring promotional vehicle, “Ryback’s Raw and Rippin’ Bang Bus,” just remember: It’s all about family.
