LONDON – There’s nothing more useless than a half-measure when it comes to security. Why bother even using passwords, for example, if you’re constantly using “password” as your password?

In a similar vein, I’m not sure the age verification protocols envisioned under the U.K.’s Digital Economy Bill are really sufficient to ensure only adults will be able to access online porn.

“This is an attempt at finding a technological solution to a social problem,” noted Jim Killock of Open Rights Group. “While this law may prevent young children from accidentally viewing porn, there are many ways that tech-savvy teenagers could get around it. These methods might include technical means like VPNs or proxy sites, but it might also just mean accessing porn through mainstream social media sites.”

If the U.K. really wants to prevent underage people from accessing porn, they need to get real with their preventative measures. Listed below are several protections that would make it substantially more difficult for young people to consume pornography, leaving them free to pursue the more positive endeavors and activities that long have been associated with British youth: shoplifting, hooliganism, stealing riffs from American blues guitar players and scaring senior citizens into never again leaving their homes.

Advanced biometric security. Before each use of their mobile devices, computers, video game consoles, digital cameras, mouths and skateboards, users under the age of 18 should have their retinas, fingerprints and DNA scanned to confirm their age and identity. Not only will this frustrate their efforts to watch pornography, but it also will reduce the frequency with which teenagers text, talk back, cyber-bully, interrupt class and breathe air, all of which will have a long-lasting positive influence on society and the world at large.

Wrap everyone under 18 in black plastic. This idea is a twist on the practice of concealing the covers of certain hardcore porn magazines (like Cosmopolitan) so they can’t be viewed easily by anyone standing in line at the grocery store. Why inconvenience adults by wrapping the magazines when we can protectively encase children instead? This will prevent them not only from reading about “10 Wild Sex Moves That Will Thrill Your Man,” but also from borrowing our cars and returning them with no gas in the tank.

Gouge out the eyes of every minor in the U.K. This one might seem like an extreme measure, but if Daredevil is the unerring documentary I believe it to be, all British kids will quickly develop advanced sonar capabilities that will allow them to navigate properly, know when people are lying and beat up ninjas by the dozen. They will not, however, be able view pornography in anything close to arousal-causing detail. Bonus: The measure is prescribed in the Bible.

Beat the living shit out of Noel Gallagher. Admittedly, this won’t actually do anything to prevent British kids from watching porn, but it still needs to happen.

Redirect all porn videos to streams featuring Cricket games. Seriously, does anybody under the age of dead even watch this dull-as-fuck sport anymore? It’s like someone took baseball and said “You know what would really improve this game? Slowing it down even more and needlessly complicating the way it’s scored.”

Get rid of gun control. What self-respecting kid is going to sit around watching boring old porn if he has the option of hunting, going to a gun range, or shooting his classmates?

Three letters: EMP. If all else fails, the U.K. could generate massive electromagnetic pulses on a regular basis, thereby cutting off not just internet access, but all kinds of other crucial-but-problematic infrastructure, as well. Consider what a kinder, gentler place the country might be without traffic lights, security cameras and all sorts of other devices that contribute to the U.K.’s porn problem by capturing hookers and their clients in flagrante delicto on closed circuit television.