LEBANON, Kan. – At the end of each year, it’s important to look back at the preceding 12 months to provide perspective about where opportunities and pitfalls may occur during the coming year. That’s what makes year-in-review articles a grand journalistic tradition.

Well, that and the total lack of other ideas for article topics. Plus, nobody in the industry will answer another phone call until after the January trade shows are over because the printers screwed up their business cards, two of the models who were supposed to sign at their booths have cancelled and the new niche site that was supposed to launch in mid-September still isn’t ready.

To assure my objective centrality for this year’s review, I’ve come to the geographic center of the United States, a few miles to the northwest of a city called Lebanon, where a monument sits in the middle of a grassy patch of earth with nothing to do and shitty mobile coverage. (On the plus side, unlike in the far more famous Lebanon, nobody here appears to be trying to blow up or shoot anything at the moment.)

Without further ado, what follows is a brief accounting of 2015’s milestones.

January:

Starting what turned out to be an amazing year of unparalleled and unerring public relations and brand-image success, James Deen Productions debuted its official marketing website.

In a startling departure from its usual publicity-generation efforts, VIVID Entertainment offered the alleged “sex partner” of Prince Andrew a fetish film gig. As of press time, there was no word on whether Jeffrey Epstein, the “Host with the Most (Convictions)” was offered a role, as well.

Approximately 1,400 companies and individuals received adult industry awards, ranging from Best Feature Release to Best Design of a Fart-Porn Niche Site. The winners were all “honored and humbled” to receive their awards, several of which are still on display in their respective office supply closets.

February:

“Duke porn star” Belle Knox announced she was considering a future in politics. She then announced she intended to campaign for an unspecified office as a Libertarian … at which point everybody laughed until milk came out of their nose, because the next time a Libertarian wins an election of any significance will be the first time a Libertarian has won an election of any significance.

Someone who evidently thought it was still 1998 purchased the domain Porno.com for nearly $8.9 million dollars.

The file locker service RapidShare announced it was ceasing operation. Astonishingly, the porn industry’s content piracy problems did not magically dissipate overnight.

March:

Domain names for the .porn and .adult generic Top-Level Domains became available. As the first registrations rolled in, the clinking of champagne glasses and bursts of sinister, movie-villain-style laughter were heard emanating from the executive offices of ICM Registry.

Revenge-porn dimwits Eric Chanson and Kevin Bollaert were ordered to pay $450,000 restitution each to a woman whose images appeared on their now-defunct website, HaHaHaWeAreUntouchab-OhShitIDontHave450K.com.

AIDS Healthcare Foundation conducted a protest in Sacramento demanding the California government get serious about enforcing regulations that mandate the use of condoms and other barrier protection in porn productions. Noting the state had nothing else of pressing importance to deal with, especially when it comes to budget shortfalls, some guy in a dress shirt who purportedly works at the state capitol reportedly said “Sure, we’ll get right on that — right after we win the wars on drugs, crime, poverty, terrorism and invasive non-indigenous species of fish.”

April:

The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office blocked an effort to trademark the name Porno Jesus, thereby totally ruining Porno Dan’s plan to launch a series of Christian-themed live sex shows. Annoyingly, the decision came after Dan purchased a totally awesome nativity scene set off Craigslist.

Rick’s Cabaret was ordered to pay $15 million in a class-action suit filed by dancers. Twenty percent of the money was set aside to tip-out bartenders, bouncers and servers, naturally.

In a startling departure from its usual publicity-generation efforts, VIVID Entertainment offered reality TV star Courtney Stodden a $1 million sex tape deal.

May:

Prenda Law (or whatever the firm was called that week) got kicked around the courtroom by a panel of judges from the 9^th Circuit Court of Appeals. One of the judges referred to the firm’s copyright litigation approach as a “very clever scheme.” In subsequent remarks, the same judge made it clear he didn’t feel the adjective “clever” also applied to the Prenda attorneys themselves.

Some bullshit happened involving Twitter and porn, or something.

French performer Tiffany Doll announced she was joining ATMLA — then abruptly cancelled her new membership upon finding out ATMLA has nothing to do with being in Los Angeles while performing a certain sex act popular in anal porn titles.

June:

In a startling departure from its usual publicity-generation efforts, VIVID Entertainment offered a “six figure paycheck” to Rachel Dolezal, the former NAACP Spokane chapter president accused of pretending to be African-American.

Hussie Models, a Miami-based three-bedroom apartment with a severe lack of actual bedding, was featured in documentary called Hot Girls Wanted. The film received a nomination for the Grand Jury Prize at the Sundance Film Festival — but the Grand Jury declined to indict, saying the producer had failed to make her prima facie case.

In an announcement that absolutely shocked everybody who has never once read the content policies of any major mainstream distribution platform ever developed by anyone, Oculus Rift manufacturer Palmer Lucky announced sexually-explicit material will not be permitted in the Oculus Store.

July:

Two words: “summer slowdown.”

August:

Upon orders from the country’s federal government, India’s largest internet service provider blocked 857 pornographic websites, leaving accessible to its customers only 193,658,859 other pornographic websites.

HBO announced actor James Franco was “attached to two porn-related pilots” in development by the company. Reportedly, efforts to surgically detach Franco from the unnamed HBO-developed airmen were hampered by the actor’s filming schedule.

Google re-branded as “Alphabet.” This has nothing to do with porn, really, but god damn what a lame fucking brand name, right? Oh, and the company also dropped its “Don’t Be Evil” motto, so watch out for these fuckers in 2016. They’re liable to have someone come over and “accidentally” pilfer your personal information over your home’s unsecured Wi-Fi network.

September:

The Free Speech Coalition called upon the California Attorney General to “probe” AIDS Healthcare Foundation. Hopefully, the office of the AG will only do so using proper barrier protection, including but not limited to condoms, dental dams and anal beads the size of a freaking grapefruit.

Juniper Research estimated aggregate revenues from the mobile and online entertainment industry will top $300 billion by 2019, up from $195 billion this year, but down somewhat from the $800 trillion Juniper estimated for this year back in 2013.

The Daily Beast declared hologram porn to be “the most realistic sex imaginable” — a notion quickly disputed by millions of married men who argued real sex is “far less frequently available and infinitely more disappointing” than hologram porn.

October:

The following actually appeared as a headline on a news story: “Former Porn Actress Re-releases Song after Raccoon Attack.” The article may not have represented an “important story,” but the headline was fucking awesome.

VIVID Entertainment head honcho Steven Hirsch was announced as the “Icon Keynote” for the XBIZ 2016 Conference, creating enormous buzz as a result of the collective snoring of an entire industry.

Playboy announced it would cease publishing nude pictorials. The news was well received but came too late for those still suffering from the publication of Madonna’s “lost photos” earlier in the year.

November:

Japanese porn performer Ken Shimizu’s then-new restaurant Curry Shop Shimizu received rave reviews for its flagship dish, which offers the “special taste of shit with rice.” Alan Poorman, host of the popular TV series Dude vs. Chow, gave the dish a lukewarm review, calling its fecal flavoring “authentic but pedestrian.”

The 3^rd Circuit Court of Appeals requested “supplemental briefs” prior to hearing oral arguments about the legal challenge to 18 U.S.C. 2257, having soiled their other briefs while repeatedly and uncontrollably laughing out loud at the names of various porn movies referenced in documents previously filed in the case.

Not satisfied with a single “Icon” speaker for its summer show, XBIZ announced the identity of a half-dozen “Visionary Keynote” speakers for its January 2016 show. The visionaries presumably will explain to the audience the many and varied benefits of conducting off-site meetings with members of the Hoichul tribe and subsequently tagging along on one of the tribe’s famous peyote-driven “Revenue Vision Quests.”

December:

Porn fan and admitted “optical sciences geek” Willis J. Spence was severely disappointed to learn the “IR” in AJ Applegate’s highly-promoted “first IR anal scene” referred to the scene being interracial, not shot in infrared.

The Free Speech Coalition announced long-time Chief Executive Officer Diane Duke will step down “in order to pursue an executive leadership position at a less controversial organization that is far more accepted and respected by the American public.” Early rumors indicated the organization is the Council on American-Islamic Relations.

In a startling departure from its usual publicity-generation efforts, VIVID Entertainment offered a “prominent non-sex role” to Donald Trump’s hair.