By Abigail Cuthbert
Special to YNOT

RAY CITY, Ga. – Inspired by the rebranding of Morality in Media as the new National Center on Sexual Exploitation, we at the National Unitarian Temple for Justice, Optimism and Brotherhood (NUTJOB) have decided to change our name as well, in order to better reflect our identity, activities and the immense, ambitious scope of our Godly mission.

Going forward, the movement heretofore known as NUTJOB will prosecute its ongoing crusade for decency under the banner of Free Righteous United Intelligent Trustworthy Caring Americans Killing Exploitation, or FRUITCAKE.

Just as the name Morality in Media served to constrain and hamper that organization’s laudable, inspirational attempts to clean up all facets of American life and not just the salacious, Satan-operated media, my co-founders and I came to believe our original name wasn’t explicit enough in stating our aim to eradicate sexual exploitation — or the portion of sexual exploitation that winds up in visual form, at least.

Plus, from a branding perspective, we believe FRUITCAKE is a far more inviting name than NUTJOB. While both monikers clearly invite the listener to ponder a delicious consumable while basking in the glow of righteousness one always feels when passing righteous judgment on the sexual proclivities of nasty, horrible, perverted people, we feel FRUITCAKE, with its clear ties to the joyful Christmas season and the exchange of seasonal salutations, speaks to our traditional core values of family-friendliness, forgiveness, Christian compassion and fevered ire toward things that make us uncomfortable.

Admittedly, there was some trepidation about including the word “killing” in our name, as some of our gentler members aren’t comfortable with being openly confrontational, even in the context of the war pornographers have been waging against the minds, souls and genitals of humankind ever since Eve took her first fateful bite of the apple.

Ultimately, though, we found peace with referencing killing in our name by relying on scripture — specifically the words of Revelation 21:8: “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.”

To me, what the above passage clearly says is while the evil men who run adult websites, unchaste bookstores, sinful lingerie shops, demonic convenience stores and any kind of dance hall will undoubtedly be met with God’s justice in the afterlife. If they also happen to arrive in front of St. Peter a little ahead of schedule because some proactive Christian decided — for the good of the community — to set their pornographic establishment on fire while they were inside it, God will give His blessed earthly firebug a spiritual mulligan with respect to the Sixth Commandment.

Some have expressed concern a change in mission will accompany the change in our organization’s name, but I assure you this change signals only a redoubling of our efforts, an expansion of our membership and a redesign of our business cards.

The name change also tells you our organization is becoming more professional and more aware of tailoring our message for optimal marketing appeal. It’s a change that clearly came over the group formerly known as Morality in Media, as well. For example, where one of their primary campaigns once bore the contorted and unwieldy title “Morality in Media: Porn Harms,” their new slogan rolls right off the tongue in a truly catchy, lyrical fashion: “National Center on Sexual Exploitation: Ending the Public Health Crisis of a Pornified Culture.”

Just try to forget that one, especially when people are clapping in rhythm and chanting it repeatedly. I’m telling you, it will be just like all those minorities and liberals with their “no justice, no peace” chant — except The Lord approves of this chant.

Meanwhile, here at FRUITCAKE, we will continue to seek truly significant and meaningful victories against Satan’s porn industry, like making Starbucks and McDonald’s do more to monitor the customers’ use of their free wi-fi connections, thereby depriving literally dozens of people across the country a place other than the public library to watch porn.

Once we succeed in getting Starbucks and McDonald’s to purge their dining rooms of non-food and -beverage filth, we believe it will be only a matter of weeks before the pressure gets too great for Coffee Bean and Burger King to bear, leading them to follow suit. Once those two massive dominoes have fallen, it’s only a matter of time before the broader porn industry collapses due to the sudden loss of its coveted in-restaurant traffic.

So, to all you MindNerds, you blue tubes, you Playhouses and Pentboys, again I sound the warning call: Repent forthwith your evil ways, take down your websites, close up your brick-and-mortar video-bordellos and come to Jesus, or else.

Or else what, you ask? Or else you’ll soon have more FRUITCAKE in your corporate offices than you can handle given twelve thousand days of Christmas, that’s what!