ROME, Italy – With all the discussion of porn addiction that has taken place over the past several years, most people probably think the risk of getting hooked on dirty movies is the primary threat to physical and mental health stemming from the consumption of porn.

Of course, more enlightened people, like those who regularly read YNOT, already know porn represents a force far more sinister than any heroin and ultimately much more expensive than cocaine — once you consider the profound cost to your soul.

We’ve previously discussed that porn is a poisonous, Ebola-infected, sniper/spider/vampire. New evidence, however, has turned up something even more alarming: Porn also is a gateway to demonic possession.

Thankfully, the Catholic Church has our back. Responding with its usual well-considered, utterly modern approach, the Church has gathered a group of highly trained experts for a week-long conference on exorcism at Pontifical University of Regina Apostolorum in Rome.

It’s not just porn that has inspired the Holy Symposium, but a worldwide “upsurge in occult activity” and “increased interest among Christians in learning more about Satan.”

“Until a few years ago, a significant number of people in the Church didn’t believe in the Devil, but people are now going back to the Scriptures,” an unidentified British exorcist from Birmingham told The Telegraph. “Pope Francis has given a certain amount of encouragement to that. A few years ago, at least half the dioceses in England and Wales did not have an exorcist. Now, pretty much all of them do.”

As comforting as it is to hear exorcism is a growth industry in England, one shouldn’t get complacent just because his local diocese has a certified exorcist to deal with any demons that might target the neighborhood, because according to the Women of Grace blog, “in many cases, one exorcist isn’t enough.”

“An increase in demand for exorcism in the Diocese of Milan warranted an increase from five to 12 exorcists to help handle all the cases of suspected possession,” the WOG blog reports. “Likewise, the Diocese of Rome, where a third of its telephone calls are related to requests for exorcisms, has doubled its number of exorcists from five to 10.”

Of course, just because it looks like demonic possession, sounds like demonic possession and maybe even smells like demonic possession, not every suspected demonic infestation turns out to be the real deal.

“Some people are mentally ill and do not need exorcism,” explained Father Truqui, chief exorcist of for the Diocese of Chur, Switzerland. “But others do and there are some classic signs — people who speak in ancient tongues, for instance…. In some cases, people are able to levitate.”

While some signs of possession might be hard to differentiate from the symptoms of mental illness, there are some telltale signs, according to Father Truqui.

“Symptoms include obsessive behavior,” Father Truqui said. “I once treated a woman who combed her hair eight hours a day, and a man who was obsessed with masturbating. He did it every day, many times.”

Wait a minute: A man who masturbated many times a day?

With apologies to Father Truqui, this outrageous notion some men jerk off frequently sounds a little far-fetched, whether or not there’s a demon guiding their hand. Father Truqui is a priest though, and the question isn’t whether he has been touching young boys, so I suppose we ought to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Of course, anyone who has paid attention to the sagacious advice doled out over the years by Father Gabriele Amorth (the Big Kahuna of Exorcism in Rome) knows porn and excessive masturbation are hardly the only Satanic forces corrupting humanity these days. There’s also Harry Potter and yoga to worry about.

“Practicing yoga is Satanic, it leads to evil just like reading Harry Potter,” Amroth said in 2011, explaining yoga leads to Hinduism, and “all Eastern religions are based on a false belief in reincarnation.”

According to a guy I met at a bus stop one time, other activities known to invite demonic possession include listening to Abba, being a New England Patriots season ticket-holder, planking, drinking Thunderbird and seeing a woman’s bare legs below the knee.

Some might think it impractical to completely avoid seeing a woman’s bare legs below the knee, but fortunately the Church has a solution for this social ill, as well: Custodia occulorum or “custody of the eyes.”

“At its most basic level, custody of the eyes simply means controlling what you allow yourself to see,” wrote Sam Guzman on CatholicExchange.com. “Of course, to the modern mind, this guarding of the eyes is rather quaint and even ridiculous. How prudish, many would think, to think that we should exercise any control over what we see. And yet, if we care about our souls, we have no other option.”

You hear that, all you porn-addicted, demon-possessed, super-sickos? If you care about your soul, you have no other option than to master the custody of your eyes — although, granted, from a legal perspective, eyes typically being embedded in one’s own face does help establish a reasonable degree of certainty as to who has actual custody of said eyes.

I’m sure some of you reading this remain skeptical about demonic possession, exorcism, custodia occulorum or the evils of Abba, but I, for one, am completely convinced.

In fact, the next time I see my neighbor levitating in his front yard, instead of just assuming I’m having another acid flashback, I’m calling up my local diocese — unless my local diocese, for some crazy reason, hasn’t stocked up on exorcists recently. In that case, I guess I’ll have to resort to shooting a text over to Max von Sydow, instead.