OAK BROOK, Ill. – Famous for its child-protective policy of serving enormous lumps of meat-like substances smothered in healthy, fat-fortified, cheese-like substances, the McDonald’s Corporation has again demonstrated its ongoing commitment to the wellbeing of consumers by adding content filters to its free in-store WiFi service.

“No longer will McDonald’s patrons have to worry about someone in the booth next to them masturbating to MILF porn while they’re trying to enjoy their family-friendly McNuggets,” said Reginald McDonald, the less famous but equally clownish younger brother of Ronald. “You know, unless the person in the booth next to them has a solid 4G connection and an unlimited data plan and doesn’t need to use our WiFi in order to jack off in a fast food restaurant — which may or may not ever have happened anywhere, especially inside a McDonald’s.”

Diners at the Imperial Avenue location of McDonald’s in El Centro, Calif., gave mixed reactions to the news of McDonald’s new WiFi filtering policy.

“I think this is fantastic news and something long overdue,” said Misty Harris, a 23-year-old mother of nine from nearby Ligurta, Ariz. “It’s really sad to me so many kids are getting their sex education from porn these days, instead of not getting any sex education at all — as would be the case if our country hadn’t moved so far from the Lord.”

A man who asked not to be identified by name because he’s the current Offensive Coordinator for a major NFL team in San Diego said while he agrees “people shouldn’t pull on their puds in public,” he thinks the new McDonald’s policy goes too far.

“Everybody knows over-inclusiveness is a problem for these content filters, which could prevent people from looking up information about breast cancer while they eat food that probably encourages the development of breast cancer,” said the anonymous coordinator, who previously served as head coach for the Cardinals and Titans. “Plus, just because a guy is watching a blowjob video while he eats a burger doesn’t mean he’s going to whip it out and start wanking right there. Besides, I was always careful to use headphones, so the sound wouldn’t bother people … uh, or that’s what I assume guys who do watch porn at McDonald’s would do, I mean.”

Alphonse Forno, a bus driver from Holtville, said he shares Wisenhunt’s the coordinator’s concerns about censorship and corporate overreach, but he thinks McDonald’s has “done the right thing.”

“I mean, I don’t know if anybody ever really watched porn at a McDonald’s, but they could have — and that’s scary enough,” Forno said. “Sure, we could all avoid the possibility of being exposed to porn at a McDonald’s by eating at home or going through the drive-thru or eating somewhere else — or minding our own fucking business while we eat — but I’m pretty sure I have a Constitutional right to eat a Big Mac without listening to fake orgasms. That’s covered under the Fourth Amendment, right?”

Not surprisingly, the new policy is drawing rave reviews from social conservatives, many of whom just don’t like Chick-fil-A enough to eat the chain’s sandwiches despite the company’s principled stance on same-sex marriage and long-held policy of filtering content accessed over its in-restaurant WiFi.

“Parents now can have peace of mind that when they or their children go to McDonald’s, they will have a safer and more friendly WiFi experience, free from pornography, from child porn and from potential sexual exploitation and predation,” wrote Donna Rice Hughes, president and chief executive officer of Enough is Enough.

Rice said although “McDonald’s wasn’t aware of any pornography-related incidents in their stores,” the decision to filter its WiFi network is “clearly a major step in the right direction.”

Free-speech activist and frequent McDonald’s WiFi user Sam Fernandez said he “couldn’t disagree more strongly” with Hughes.

“Decency extremists like Hughes and her organization are always blaming porn for everything from sex crimes to misogyny to the drought in California,” Fernandez said. “Watching porn doesn’t make people hate or think less of women — and this disgusting, worthless, shit-for-brains old hag knows it.”

Despite his clear antipathy for her, Fernandez did concede he could think of one issue on which Hughes is qualified to speak.

“If I ever need advice on how to suck Gary Hart’s cock while on a boat, I’ll be sure to give her a call,” he said.