BOSTON – This might sound a little paranoid, especially to those who still haven’t accepted the truth about the world being controlled by a small number of dark-suit-wearing multi-billionaires, but if you work in the adult entertainment industry, you are part and parcel of an evil global conspiracy.

Disney has an obvious role in this conspiracy, via Operation Hairy Palms. That, however, is only the tip of the iceberg.

While the prospect of humanity being wiped off the face of the Earth by reptilian extraterrestrials is worrisome, thanks to the outstanding work of investigative journalist Chris Hedges, we are now aware of a far more immediate concern than the looming End of Days.

Porn, as it turns out, is an instrument of Global Capitalism.

If the line above didn’t make you vomit, or at least shudder a bit, it’s probably because you have been brainwashed into believing capitalism is a good thing.

As always, before accepting what a source says at face value, we must conclusively establish his credibility. In this case, Hedges writes for a site called “TruthDig,” so we’re off to a good start. Not only does the brand’s name invoke the image of digging for truth, but the site’s tagline also drives home the point for anybody who might have missed the subtlety of the name: “Drilling Beneath the Headlines.”

As for Hedges himself, he is the author of the very modestly titled: The World As It Is: Dispatches on the Myth of Human Progress.

Credibility confirmed.

I mean, you can’t just go around telling people your book presents “the world as it is” unless you know what the fuck you’re talking about, right? Plus, straight from the jump in his latest truth-digging article, Hedges offers a clear statement of fact with which any reasonable person will agree:

[QUOTE]Fifty Shades of Grey, the book and the movie, is [sic] a celebration of the sadism that dominates nearly every aspect of American culture and lies at the core of pornography and global capitalism.[/QUOTE]

Clearly, we all know for a fact “sadism dominates nearly every aspect of American culture.” For that matter, if you’ve ever watched a network sitcom, a reality TV show or more than 30 seconds of Law and Order: SVU, you’re culpable as one of the masochistic robo-consumers dutifully providing the lubricating cash which permits the soul-crushing wheels of Global Capitalism to turn.

Porn’s specific role in the violent march of Global Capitalism lies in the way it “champions a world devoid of compassion, empathy and love,” Hedges wrote. 50 Shades, specifically, “unquestioningly accepts a predatory world where the weak and the vulnerable are objects to exploit while the powerful are narcissistic and violent demigods. It blesses this capitalist hell as natural and good.”

Hedges reminds us of the words of anti-porn author and fellow truth-digger Robert Jensen (“Pornography is what the end of the world looks like”), then delivers the Money Shot Line:

“Porn, like global capitalism, is where human beings are sent to die.”

Finally, somebody has put into words what I kept trying to tell my economics professors back in the day: This capitalism stuff is just no good.

People don’t willingly engage in capitalism in order to build wealth or craft a good standard of living for themselves and their families: People are sent to capitalism to die.

Take that, Adam Smith! Up yours, Milton Friedman!

Anyway, back to the connection between Global Capitalism and porn.

When it comes to drawing this connection, Hedges knew he needed to get his information from someone not afraid to stand up and speak the truth, someone unafraid of the Grey Suit Cabal and its many (likely extraterrestrial) tentacles in the financial, entertainment, media and publishing sectors.

In other words, Hedges needed anti-porn activist, sociologist, author and apparent small café-customer Gail Dines.

“I met Gail Dines, one of the most important radicals in the country, in a small café in Boston on Tuesday,” Hedges wrote, possibly unwisely. Why would he reveal the location of an “important radical” to the oppressive Global Capitalist Pornographers? Is he trying to get her probed, for God’s sake?

“Dines, along with a handful of others including Jensen, fearlessly decry a culture that is as depraved as Caligula’s Rome,” Hedges noted.

Yes, Gail Dines is indeed brave, because one must be brave to stand up to a massive Global Capitalist conspiracy in which “the banks” support the porn industry.

“When you fight porn you fight global capitalism,” Dines told Hedges, presumably while wearing a trench coat and sitting in a booth with a good view of the café’s entrance, just in case a member of the Global Capitalist Porn Conspiracy slipped in with the intent to monitor their conversation.

“The venture capitalists, the banks, the credit card companies are all in this feeding chain,” Dines continued. “This is why you never see anti-porn stories. The media is implicated. It is financially in bed with these companies.”

Yes, it’s true: The same banks that routinely close the accounts of adult companies for no apparent reason and without any real explanation, and the same credit card companies that turn a blind eye to the “friendly fraud” of porn consumer chargeback abuse are actually “in bed” with the adult entertainment industry.

Who knew? Well, neither industry nor the banks and credit card companies, evidently[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman]—[/FONT][/COLOR]more proof of just how secretive and diabolical is the Global Capitalist Porn Conspiracy.

Next, it’s obvious one never sees any anti-porn stories in the media. How else could one explain the search phrase “Gail Dines” generating 2,380 results in a Google news search? Clearly, the media is trying to cover up its lack of coverage of anti-porn perspectives by giving coverage to people with anti-porn perspectives.

Over the same fateful, truth-witnessing lattes, Dines revealed to Hedges that porn also serves as a handy propaganda tool for the (again, most likely extraterrestrial) Robber-Barons of Global Capitalism.

“If you are going to give a tiny percent of the world the vast majority of the goodies, you better make sure you have a good ideological system in place that legitimizes why everyone else is suffering economically,” Dines told Hedges. “This is what porn does. Porn tells you that material inequality between women and men is not the result of an economic system; it is biologically based.”

Ultimately, Dines explained, “Porn is to patriarchy what the media is to capitalism.”

This I know for a fact she’s right about, because like Dines, I also remember the correct answer to the question “Porn is to patriarchy what the media is to ________” from the SAT analogy problem section.

As you can see, with help from Gail Dines and Robert Jensen, Chris Hedges has made an incontrovertible case for porn’s role in forwarding the aims of Global Capitalism, and vice versa.

I wouldn’t be a responsible investigator and Truth Theorist, however, if I didn’t point out one potentially problematic assertion on Dines’ part.

In explaining porn’s role in desensitizing viewers to social and economic inequality, Dines notes how various people must be transformed in the eyes of the viewer in order to be acceptable targets of what might otherwise be objectionable violence. Jews are transformed into “kikes,” Irish guys become “micks,” football players become “New England Patriots” and so on.

We all know this is true of propaganda, but reasonable people can disagree reasonably as to which forms of propaganda work best for each individual dehumanizing purpose. Black-and-white film might work better to make Germans of the 1930s into bloodthirsty Nazis, for example, while more colorful, higher-definition images are going to be more effective when brainwashing modern American teenagers into buying thoroughly crappy music.

My minor disagreement with brave truth-digger Gail Dines boils down to a similar sort of hair-splitting. According to Dines, you see, “no one turns ‘women’ into ‘cunts’ better than porn.”

Of this, I’m just not so sure. After all, I’ve often heard the same said of feminist literature.