By Peter Berton

OTTAWA – As YNOT.com’s Canadian-in-residence, you’d expect me to have my finger on the pulse of what makes Canadians tick — especially when it comes to Google searches and sex.

I thought I did until Vice.com took the time to check out Canada’s most popular Google searches. The site’s detailed study is worth a read, but not necessarily useful to the adult industry for finding the country’s most sex-obsessed provinces. However, as a travel guide for provinces to avoid, the Vice.com study is disturbingly helpful.

The most popular Google searches are for sex in Canada’s frozen Northwest Territories. These rugged Canadians’ favorite terms are pussy, porn, fire, teen, tits, free porn, salad, party, winter and Expedia. Most of their searches made sense — except what’s with salad?

Weirdly, residents of Canada’s other two northernmost jurisdictions — the Yukon and Nunavut — didn’t search for sex at all. Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you’re going to northern Canada seeking sex, head for the Northwest Territories.

From there, Canada got even weirder — and I say that as a born, and now unnerved, Canadian.

Heading west to east, here are the most popular Google searches by province:

British Columbia: Feces, MDMA, rave, gangster, heroin, hangover cure, NSA, booze, gin, knives, vegan, breast reduction, rock climbing, bitcoin, ayahuasca (a psychedelic brew), dominatrix, science and meditation. Our western brothers and sisters are into some kinky shit … er, kinky feces. The mix of scat, crime, sex and intoxicants is weasel-balanced with meditation — although rehab might be a better idea.

Alberta: Hot pants, Fleshlight, Nazis, LSD, pregnant porn, gonorrhea, pipelines, stabbing, black poop, bleeding nose, racist jokes, big butts, gaping, lube, penis enlargement, boob job, fake tits, EDM (electronic dance music), snuff, kidnapping and meth. Canada’s western oil-producing province, which takes pride in looking outwardly conservative and moral, is one twisted place. Nazis? Black poop? Snuff? I’m staying home.

Saskatchewan: Beastiality, dubstep, guns, Nickelback, fisting, Corner Gas (a popular Canadian TV show), residential schools, green poop, beavers, whiskey, ice fishing, strippers, suicide, racism, serial killer, testicles and condoms. Nominally a bland, rural, wheat-growing region, Saskatchewan evidently has some serious angst going on under the surface. Wonder if the searches for “serial killer” were linked to “Nickelback.” Just curious.

Manitoba: Poison, Rick Mercer (a popular Canadian comedian), overdose, twerking, falafel, gangs, skateboarding, graffiti, stan, rough sex and sniper. Things seem pretty grim when your province’s top searches are for poison and overdoses. The only sex searches were “twerking” and “rough sex” — and twerking is debatable. No “MILFs”, “lesbian porn”, or “big cocks”? Keep Manitoba clean!

My home province of Ontario is into Google searches for Drake, Justin Bieber, hoser, escort service, black jokes, how to murder, Ashley Madison, Asian jokes, Stephen Harper (Canada’s Prime Minister), police brutality, small cocks, CSIS, interracial, tequila, autopsy photos, liberal party, NDP, conservative party, election, philosophy, panic attack and seeking arrangement.

Collectively, this reads like the CliffNotes summary of a bad stream-of-consciousness novel. As an Ontarian, I understand “escort services,” “Ashley Madison” and “tequila searches.” It’s dull here. But “autopsy photos” and “panic attacks?” And the interest in “small cocks” is just embarrassing.

Quebec: Poutine (a local dish of french fires, cheese curd and gravy), Limp Bizkit, golden shower, hallucination, Mafia, fail compilation, jogging, masturbation, deep web and prison. Another wow: “Golden shower” and “masturbation” were the most popular sex searches? Quebec, purported home of French “joie de vivre,” I am disappointed.

Nova Scotia: Murder, herpes, assassination, big cocks, BDSM, Justin Trudeau (an up-and-coming political leader), ISIS and torture. Sounds brutal. I’d avoid Nova Scotia.

New Brunswick: Fart, crossfit, maple syrup, deepthroat, lesbian porn, amateur porn, mature porn and theft. Okay, with the exception of “fart” (or inclusion, depending on your tastes), New Brunswickers at least have some interest in sex — including the use of maple syrup, apparently.

Prince Edward Island: Weed, penis, torrents, weight loss, vagina, RCMP, Shania Twain, gay porn, Russia, ice cream, depression, hockey, drunk, diarrhea, fitness and fun. Apparently PEI is mellow, fat, has varied yet muted sexual tastes and needs to look up “fun” to figure it out.

Newfoundland: Cocaine, anal sex, vodka, hairy, BBW, acoustic guitar, skidoo, hunting, punk, gangbang, tattoos, literature, poetry, constipation, Family Guy and violence. The overtly friendly residents of “The Rock” (as the island is called) are into some hardcore stuff. Are the “anal sex” and “constipation” searches in any way linked?

So there you have it: An insightful look at what makes Canadians tick, at least according to Google. As for me? I’m heading off to the Northwest Territories pronto. That’s the only place I’m going to feel at home.